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Death and Sickness...

Posted 18 July 2002, 3.25 pm by Sickan

My new job as a Home Help I see a lot of really sick and dying people… and it take some time to get used to all the illness and just know what to say to people.

The old hags at work tell me that I’ll get used to the changing diapers and the washing them and all those psychical gross stuff I see every day. And I guess I some day can shut it out. I really hope so!

When I began to work there I didn't think that I would be sent out to people who were really bad and just minutes away from leaving this world. The first week I was a ‘kid’ which means I just looked at the others doing stuff, watch and learn kinda thing.

After a while I began to help and to do things by myself. Even get my own clients – nice in a way because I have learned a lot and I visit a few interesting people [by all means the fewest are interesting – but still…]

I visited a very sick lady with lung-cancer and she was in a really poor condition, she did not have long time to live in – I could tell as soon as I laid eyes on her. She was a little woman, about 160 cm. tall and really really skinny.

She lived with her husband, who were just fine and really nice to his beloved wife. It was not too hard to tell that he was scared that she would pass away soon.

They were both really nice to me and that does my job so much easier. It was immensely hard to be with her, she had the worst pains and she got black marks by just lifting her arms.

Monday morning I had her as my second person on my paper and I went to her house. When the husband opened the door I could see something was wrong, he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and said: ‘she is on her way now’ – I rushed to her room and didn't know what in the world to do. I was about to just run away.

When I opened the door she looked at me and smiled. Her little hand reached out for mine and I took it. Behind me stood her husband. I could hear him cry. ‘Soon I’ll be another place, a good place’ she said and closed her eyes.

I hold her hand and ran my fingers through her hair as she died. Quietly and with a little satisfied smile.

Her husband sat down by her and I called a nurse. I should have called her when I realized she was dying, but I didn't. In a way it felt wrong to call her, and she would just have arrived after she had passed away.
I took the rest of the day off.
I really hope that I never expirence such a thing ever again. It was a mixed feeling expirence, on the one hand I was calm and glad that she finally got peace and on the other hand I wached helpless as a person passed away.

on 18 July 2002, 6.37 pm
Beautifully written piece Sickan, based on real life experiences. Helping others is a great asset, being able to write sensitively about it is a great talent.

Once again. Thanks. And take care.

on 19 July 2002, 3.23 am
I enjoyed this piece, Sickan, mainly because I can sympathize with someone in your situation. My grandfather is dying of prostate cancer...he's already lost at least 70 lbs and is nothing like I remember him. He's incoherent sometimes, and every single movement makes him exhausted. We had to take him to the hospital a few weeks ago, after which the doctors suggested that he spend some time in the nursing home. I visited him there almost daily, I even got to know some of the people. It's so sad there because it's almost if they've been tucked away in this dank, piss-smelling corner of the world to die. The nurses were all great women (and a few men) but the place was altogether sterile and depressing. Now, he's home, but still none the better.

He's improved in a few places, such as mobility and the ability to speak cohesively, but he's still breaking down. I sit there with him for maybe an hour or so a day just to talk to him and tell him everything that's going on in my life, and with our family...but even that amount of time spent with him pales in comparison to the idea of him not being there one day. The thought of that devastates me to no end, but there's nothing that I can do other than to accept it, acknowledge him as a great, influential person and go on with my own life, perhaps modelling some aspects of myself in his image.

on 4 August 2004, 7.19 am

on 4 August 2004, 7.21 am

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This was more a fluke shot of the sun that turned out for the best. I was impressed by how well it worked out. Even thought there is a lot of empty space I feel that the sun flares and single set of trees has a very alone feel to it.

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Props to Green Mamba for bringing the weirdness


80s candy bars were pretty good

only because i traded it for a candy bar in the 80's.

lol we all know you don't have a soul ghoti

my soul for some carbs...

But of course!


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