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Where Art Thou, Love?

Posted 11 October 2002, 8.45 pm by Villager

A couple of months ago, few would have believed in the idea of love and its virtues more than me. I believed in what I had and what it meant as an intrinsic part of my life. Recent events have rather changed not only circumstance, but the way I think about love and its value. The disruption caused recently has left me disillusioned, more than anything. I am not so irrational as to denounce love outright and never allow myself to become vulnerable again, and if nothing else these past months have taught me to expect to be proven wrong, but what I feel and my shifting perspective has led me to analyse one particular aspect: if I, one who rationally and truly believed in the strength and endurance of love, can be changed, and believe myself to have been, then what of the love I thought I had? Does it change, disappear, or remain unaffected?

I still feel much of what I felt months ago. Many of the same emotions. But one thing has changed. I now believe love to be an essentially peripheral part of life, rather than a central factor. Life must be taken alone. If I am lucky enough to spend it with one with whom I can consider myself "in love" then I will likely live a more fulfilling life because of it, but I can no longer depend upon the feeling generated inside my heart in the name of love. It was enough to live off, but unfortunately it becomes too much to let go. And that is why it must be controlled, just like any other emotion. Just like hate, anger, animal instincts which we accept need to be controlled for a balanced society. My love has little bearing upon society, but the instinct must not be allowed to control me.

I was at my happiest when in the throes of love, but at my lowest point when that was torn from me. And that is why it cannot be. I cannot live my life like that. I now understand - no, I have always understood it, I now believe it to have value - what is meant by the idea that we do not fall in love, but with the concept of being in love. Was I in love? I believe so still, but I was also in love with the concept so as to lose my independence emotionally. And that is where it all went wrong. When in love one cannot see outside the box; when out of love, one cannot see back in. I can not and will not return to that particular box. I am not 'happy' alone, but I seem to have accepted within myself that I have always been alone, only now do I miss the company of love which led between me and my own emotional frailties. I thought I was the happiest man alive, when really I was the luckiest.

Luck changed.

Mr Spooky
on 11 October 2002, 9.13 pm
And it's like that forever, Vill.

If anything, I understand, even If I disagree.

on 11 October 2002, 9.14 pm
Ah, how it stings when we learn these things. I'm glad you know you will survive, and life can be good. I'm also glad to see you are not giving up on finding someone. It's so natural to want to protect yourself from the hurt.

Not that I know anything, but beware of trying too hard to control your emotions. While I find it a handy tool - and I belived it protected me to an extent - I've learned that you can't always prepare/control/anticipate the emotions. If they happen to take over for a small moment, try not to be angry at yourself...but make the best of the experience.

Good luck Vill.

on 11 October 2002, 10.30 pm
the loss of love is always a painful thing. it seems like yesterday when i had my heart ripped out. :-

on 11 October 2002, 11.19 pm
If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

on 11 October 2002, 11.22 pm
I was the same way for a while Vil, in love with the idea of love... don't "control" your emotions until you forget you have them. You can't keep everything inside. It's too hard, it hurts too much... You're a bit more skeptical about it, but you can't let yourself forget how to love, or not want to love...You'll never be happy.

Mr Spooky
on 11 October 2002, 11.45 pm
Bullshit. Human beings are not dependent on each other or some abstract concept of "love" for happiness.

on 11 October 2002, 11.50 pm
Sometimes we think we are though Spooky. Who wants to spend their life alone?

on 13 October 2002, 2.06 am
What is this? You doubt the validity of love only because you have no one to share it with at the moment. Yet you reveled in it when the opposite could be said. As if the existence of love depended upon your emotional state. What gives you the right?

In saying that, the present does not exclude the past. Due to this other person leaving your life, you question a previous state of being. That would mean everything prior to this moment is irrelevant. As such, all moments in our life eventually fall behind us - so everthing is meaningless. All because someone left you.

You speak of the strength and endurance of love. Whose: Yours? That shouldn't have changed any. This other person's? That is not even relevant. Just because someone else doesn't reciprocate your feelings, love is lessened? Here is where you are disillusioned.

Love is defined when it is lost. It speaks poorly of someone when they can not look beyond their own misfortune. At this very moment, someone else is experiencing the sensation of love. You may not be. That is the only difference. One must believe in love even when they loose it. Otherwise, they will never find it again. Love does not avoid you. Only you can avoid love.

Love is not a sidebar. Yes, one's existence is solitary at all times. Love merely allows us to share in that existence. Love is an animal instinct? Wrong. Love is a primary emotion. You can not control it. All you can do, is try to deny yourself of it - and bring yourself misery in the process. By the way, there isn't anything wrong with the idea of being in love. So you were able to enjoy yourself with another? There is nothing wrong with that. It may not last - but at least you were happy. At least you were willing to give yourself to that other person inasmuch as you were willing to accept that other person. Enjoy love in whatever form it comes. Cherish it while it lasts.

on 16 October 2002, 1.30 pm
I don't doubt the validity of love, scene, I doubt the validity of the nature of my love. Either you misinterpret me or I misrepresent myself. I did revel in the love when I "had someone to share it with", and I would again, but the way I think about love has irrevocably changed. I still love the girl whom I have for years; but my love now has changed, for the better I believe.

Nobody left me. Circumstance and extraneous events made certain things impossible. I question my previous state because I know things about myself now that I never did before, and that has a dramati impact on how I view love. I am happier with what I feel now, I was insecure before, however happy. By no means is the past meaningless - but my recent past has proved my youth and naivety more dramatically than I thought possible. That changes a lot.

What you say of misfortune is very apt; for a time I felt very sorry for myself, when what I should have been considering was far more important. My own misfortune now is past; I accept the present and move on with a wiser and learned heart. Much as I would rather not have gone through much of it, it has left me a better person, of that i am certain.

I'm not trying to deny myself love - and this is where I think you're reading more than I've written - but its place within my life must not be so total as to be an obsession - which it was. Not simply for the sake of safeguarding against loss, something which I can come to terms with, but for personal balance and equilibrium. I was awfully happy before, consumed utterly by the love which I held and still do, but it was naive to an extent and I have learned that of all my love and affection must be controlled insofar as I know what it means. That I know its significance and value and not take it for granted. That was my main mistake. I never knew what I had. Now my loss hangs in the balance and I shall appreciate everything above nothing as I believe should apply to all aspects of life. What's wrong with that?

One last point - you seem to think I'm belittling my love; I'm not. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The love that I once had continues in another form, but I have learned mcuh from a time when I thought I had lost everything. You see, I can now smile about what I had and always will; but by the very same token from now on my love will exist for its own sake and not to justify my existence.

on 16 October 2002, 1.33 pm
One last thing, I know I may come off like I'm trying to sound all mysterious without actually detailing what happened, but there were too many factors, events, shifting ideas and forces in flux to make sense of an episode that I can only now begin to understand and appreciate myself. I'd not waste my time and yours trying to write a novel-length account.

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Props to Green Mamba for bringing the weirdness


80s candy bars were pretty good

only because i traded it for a candy bar in the 80's.

lol we all know you don't have a soul ghoti

my soul for some carbs...

But of course!


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