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Covet Nothing

Posted 22 January 2003, 1.16 am by Shaggy

I try, for all that it matters. I try desperately to be a good person, to shed all the indecent things that I have thought, said, or done. In fact, I suppose I shelter myself a great deal to this end, not drinking, smoking, fucking, taking drugs, going out, or even entertaining myself further than writing, reading, working, and watching movies. Not that I do not encourage a friendly game of Playstation 2 to celebrate the return of school (and while I still have time).

Yet my cost has always caught up to me.

Things change. Feelings change. Emotions are ever elusive, waves up and down. Sometimes I feel like slicing my wrists. Other times I feel that there can be nothing greater than life.

I try.

My different waves of emotion are not, at least as far as I know, a result of manic depressive disorders, or any other form of neuroses, but the predisposition of this pit of earth: nothing stays the same, everything changes. The values a child holds are no mirror to those of the same adult. Even the beliefs change.

I am not sure what change has overcome me. I am not even terribly certain that I care. The only thing I can be of certain is the importance of a lie. I smile. I cheer. I attend school, and no one knows any different. Indeed, even in my most depressive of days, no one could tell. It is not in me to be an open book when it could be the most helpful. Rather, I lie, because I cannot be a burden to those I love and those I see everyday. How would that burden ever be killed?

Will those around me ever think I am sane, reformed, happy, if I tell them "I am deeply troubled and fear the nightmares that are a cause of my sorrow, which keep me from sleeping"? Can I tell anyone that is not a complete stranger, whose judgement I feareth not?

I have been everything from happy to sad on this site. The most I am in real life anymore is annoyed and ecstatic.

The strange thing is the cause: I fear my girlfriend of two years has seriously considered leaving me. This is ridiculous as a cause for all my sorrow. In fact, it is ridiculous as a consideration, not because my girlfriend would never leave me, or any other such cal, but because in the end, for better or worse, she is the last woman I will ever be with (this is a promise both to myself and to her). I love her, no matter what her decision, and she is, reciprocity potentially notwithstanding, my soulmate, my one and only.

I do not know what is more scary to me: the fact that she very well might leave me, or that I might very well be holding her back, might be taking from her something she wishes.

I guess I just am not certain about anything.

Ah, how the tides wash away the sandcastles. Perhaps tomorrow, she will tell me she will never leave me. Perhaps I will be happy continuously, smiling like some junkie.

Whatever the case, being beaten by the waves can get mighty annoying.

Mighty.

Shaggy
on 22 January 2003, 1.23 am
Oh yeah, and I am now an honours student. Another aspect of life that no one could have predicted. Go figure.

Just thought I'd let you know even more personal information.

Oh yeah, and I got this weird rash, if anyone knows what it might be, I'd be glad to send pics.

That and I just watched A Clockwork Orange. And I'm wearing a t-shirt.

I don't think I can get any more personal without telling you what style of underwear I wear.

Briefs.


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In 2018 I started painting again. This was one of a series of acrylic sketches I did to relearn techniques and revisit my skills from art college.


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Props to Green Mamba for bringing the weirdness

Hmph

80s candy bars were pretty good

only because i traded it for a candy bar in the 80's.

lol we all know you don't have a soul ghoti

my soul for some carbs...

But of course!

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