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Posted 24 June 2003, 5.30 am by Crucias

My essays were written to be read. Unfortunately, I assume when I write that my audience has read everything else relevant to the topic. If you're confused, IM me or something and I'll explain what you don't understand.

Also, if I seem a little behind on thinking, please bear in mind that I am only 16. Not intended as an excuse, just an apology. Here you go.

I've written about love before, but now that I don't have Mr. Lewis reading them, I can be as coarse and opinionated as I like. Expect much of this, reader, whoever you may be.

I don't approve of love. Don't take this to mean that I don't think love exists; because it does and I know it. I simply don't approve. The fleeting pleasure you get from it is hardly worth the subsequent pain and misery. I lay claim to such knowledge, having been in love twice thus far.

First it was with Bailie. If you read my other essays, you'll know that I wrote a little about her. There I told you of how she affected me; here is what happened. I avoided her because it is what I do. And we broke up. I think. This hurt me more than I knew it would. It pushed me farther down the road I was taking, which was the one of stupidity; the one that led me to Greg's domain. There was hardly a waking moment in the next few years in which I didn't think about her. I wrote letters that I never sent. I tried to find a way to call her, to see her, to talk to her. I found a way, eventually. Recently I found her e-mail address and spoke to her through a messenger program. Of COURSE, I would do the exact same thing I did when I saw her last. Of COURSE I would stop talking to her for no apparent reason. I've stopped calling this cowardice, if you haven't noticed. It really wasn't. There are others who would do the same.

Falling in love with her was one of the happiest times of my life. Breaking up with her was one of the most miserable. But it's okay. I'm done thinking about her. Bailie is a person now. A person I don't know anymore. A person far away from me. Just the way I like my past: far away.

As I said before, love isn't what you see in movies. Love is what you see on Jerry Springer. They get together, break apart, and throw chairs at each other in a murderous rage.

Next it was with Jennifer. Which was a little better, because this time I knew what I was getting into. But I didn't realize that fact that I'm a shy bastard. I spent a lot of my time refraining from what I wanted to do, out of fear of looking like a jackass. She's a year older than me, by the way. She knows more about love than I do. I really did love her. I kind of still do. But I'm actively supressing that feeling. She has Tj. Or T.J. Whichever. She hardly needs me when she has someone else closer. Someone who's not shy and willing to do things for her that I couldn't if God/the gods himself/themselves told me to.

Love causes pain. Love makes pain. Sometimes, people are lucky and love causes more love and they can never get enough so there is never too much love. But some of us get our fill after a little while.

I really, really envy the people who aren't afraid of love. I want to be a person who can talk to girls. I want to be a person who can fall in love and not be terrified every second of it.

But I'm not. I am who I am. And I'd hardly know who I am without the pain in my past telling me.

Alexander
on 24 June 2003, 6.49 am
Thanks for submitting this, Crucias. I think you're describing quite a lot of people here, including a younger me. I've been known to ignore or avoid ex-girlfriends like the plague, simply because it's easier than having to deal with it. Don't forget though, there are various degrees of love, and really until you've experienced infatuation, obsession, passing fancy etc, it's hard to know where the boundaries lie. I don't think age is really an issue, as you rightly state, we all judge life and our surroundings by our own experiences, and that's all we can do. Good work, I'd like to read more from you.


InDiGo
on 24 June 2003, 7.10 am
You're wrong dear. I do need you. And stop apologizing for your youth, you make me feel old. Love isn't something you learn with age, not necessarily. It's something you learn with courage. Or foolishness. By the way, dear? I love you too.


Alexander
on 24 June 2003, 7.23 am
Thanks!


knackeredamp
on 24 June 2003, 7.27 pm
I can relate. Completely. Thanks for that.


Acheron
on 24 June 2003, 7.44 pm
Your writing is fluid and a joy to read. Don't feel it necessary to preface your posts with any sort of disclaime or pre-emptive apology. Oh, and to a letter, you just described me as a 16-year-old. Scary.


Acheron
on 24 June 2003, 7.44 pm
disclaimeRRRRR! Winnar != acher0n!


Rar
on 26 June 2003, 5.30 pm
Well writen. I just recently (in the last year or two, at the age of 21) kind of came to terms with the things you're writing about.


marijaxon
on 29 June 2003, 11.09 pm
For about 16 1/2 years now I have known how talented this young man is at writing. You see I am his mother. Well done kid...I'm very proud of you...and by the way...it's great to have you home


Tennesseetj
on 30 June 2003, 8.12 pm
Well Mr. Alexander, you are correct that : "The fleeting pleasure you get from it is hardly worth the subsequent pain and misery", but the "what if" questions that lurk around in your head when you shut yourself out from the people you love can be just as agonizing. So for me it's "better to have loved and lost - than never to have loved at all". Who knows maybe one day we'll stumble across that one that we can't get enough of. Until then we are just learning...


link-
on 4 August 2004, 6.20 am


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I took this photograph in North Vancouver, by the water. These birds are everywhere, all the time. If you are standing in the middle of a crowd of these birds, you realize just how horrid they are. The photo I took actually makes the birds look respectable and that's why I like it.

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