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Girls Get Off Too

Posted 27 June 2004, 4.18 pm by Lilith

The net is full of conversations about the male wank. What once was a shooed-down subject is now all over the place and is discussed by men with others present like it’s the newest thing since sliced bread.

Well, ok. Masturbation is healthy, and it’ll probably help keep your wiener in better condition if you aren’t getting laid for years, and keep it prepared for the odd chance that you will get laid later after all—or, for that matter, a good way to pass the time for a guy between sex and sex. Nothing wrong with it, or even talking about it—but why in the world is there such a wall of silence where female masturbation is concerned? When was the last time you’ve seen someone declare something to the extent of “damn, this new vibrator I got is da shiz!”? You’d think that girls don’t play with themselves or something!

Newsflash: we do. I haven’t checked the statistics for this (and considering their sources, I would not trust statistics on this subject anyway), but I would guess that, barring Muslim countries and those where female circumcision is practiced, as well as the stricter Christian sects, more girls do than do not play with themselves when they feel like it. The only difference between males and females in this respect is that men need to release sperm on a regular basis if they don’t want to have a sticky or wet bed in the morning, and girls can really survive without an orgasm now and then and would still have more or less clean sheets.

To an extent, part of the reason for this being such a closed topic is the general social attitude that still lingers from earlier times—girls are not supposed to want sex or have a sex drive—rather, it is something men have and do, and are proud of. Girls are supposed to acquiesce to it under the pressure from the males, and then enjoy it in spite of themselves—or something. I know that the Western society is moving away from that ideal, but it is doing so far more slowly than it would appear at first glance. Like the fact that gay men are typically more accepted and thought of as cool, like the show “Queer Eye for A Straight Guy”, while lesbians are still frequently labeled as “man-haters” and portrayed as huge ugly hulking fat dykes. Or like the gender disparity between the amounts of the public conversations about satisfying oneself.

Another reason may be parents. While Christianity has long tried to label masturbation as evil, even relatively non-religious parents still often get angry and the kids that are caught masturbating, get slapped on the hands or private parts. They punish the children and tell them not to do it again because it is bad and shameful and dirty, often without explaining to the 7-year-old in question what “dirty” means, or even what “it” is. The atmosphere of fear and shame do not facilitate healthy sex attitudes but rather stunt them from the very beginning. And of course, this is more so for girls than boys for the simple reason that our equipment is more complicated and harder to deal with. No snubbing guys and their wonderful tools, but they are a whole lot easier to play with discreetly, don’t you agree? More girls get caught, more girls get shamed… and later on, the society confirms it for them, while releasing the boys from the stigma at about the age they reach middle high—by then, it’s “cool” to wank.

Later, much later, when we grow up, we discover that there are stores full of toys that are made for the purpose, and a variety of other things—but the damage is done, and girls keep quiet about their masturbatory habits. Short of going to crazy feminazi conventions or participating in lesbian forums, one does not hear/talk about it. Ever.

So how is it that we, girls, get to talk about satisfying ourselves? Where do we get to bring this up? A friend of mine—who loves men and is a very attractive blue-eyed blonde, so please leave the “she’s ugly and can’t get men” stigma at the door—happens to own a nice collection of fancy and expensive vibrators. She uses them between boyfriends (and when boyfriends aren’t enough), and has recommended a few (namely, the Bone, the Rabbit and the Dolphin) to me and other friends. She says that the toys give her mind-blowing O’s that are rare with a man and the different toys provide variety. I believe her, but my personal preference has always run to either sex with men or, barring that, a good jacuzzi, so I haven’t followed up on her advice. Another friend did and quite appreciated the results—in some cases, like when women have trouble reaching orgasm with a man, vibrators can be a lot of help. Another friend of mine (male) also owns a large collection of toys (vibrators and otherwise) that he likes to use on his female partners as foreplay or to supplement his own (quite adequate) tool. He sees no shame in it for himself or the women involved, or in discussing ways of bringing a girl to climax with me and other male or female friends.

In contrast, I still remember my shame and disgust when I first accidentally found my mother’s vibrator in her nightstand (Note: DO NOT tell a kid that’s looking for some lip balm to “go look in my nightstand” when you have not put away the toys beyond stuffing them in the top drawer!). I have since then grown up and realized that there is nothing wrong with owning or using one, but I still carry with me the sheer shock of looking at the iridescent pink thing laying there across pens and bits of paper, and being too grossed out to touch it, left alone look around it for lip balm. I went to a friend’s house and stayed there for the evening (incidentally using her lip balm), just to be away. I still wonder why my mother, who obviously had no problem with the concept of female masturbation, never bothered to talk it over with me while I was growing up.

Was it the social conditioning she received when she was a girl? The pressure of society (can’t say religion, as that is not an affliction that plagues my family), or personal problems? What are these forces that drive mothers not to talk to daughters, and friends not to talk to friends, and women not say anything about wanting to do dirty things with themselves in the dark? I don’t know entirely, no—but considering the double standards of sexuality in the Western society, I have a pretty good idea.

Alexander
on 27 June 2004, 4.48 pm
Nice article, Lil. Here's a question tho - why do (by and large) men find the thought of women masturbating a turn on, but women rarely feel the same about guys jacking off?


Lilith
on 27 June 2004, 5.59 pm
I have thought about it, and the first (so far) conclusion that I came to has to do with social stigmas and the repression of female sexuality by the mainstream society. For example, most females don't truly dislike the idea/image of males masturbating. It is more along the lines "ok, he's wanking off, what else is new?" Therefore, male masturbation is accepted along with going to the toilet, burping and farting as something male that “just is”.

Conversely, the women have been conditioned according to the double standard to not want sex, to not be horny as a principle, and to not show their libido and sexuality. Therefore, to men, it would probably be more exciting to see a woman masturbating in that context, since [mainstream] society doesn't encourage women to openly do it. It is akin to seeing a female's ankle in the Dark Ages--men would get excited over it because it was considered a rare and intimate thing, something that women were not supposed to show. Nowadays, we have progressed to the point of men not being too surprised at female nudity, but female masturbation still remains the silent subject, the secret and forbidden thing that males (or even other females) are not supposed to even talk about, left alone see. Seeing it sends a signal to the male along the lines of: “Look, this is a female who is so [openly] horny that she is playing with herself, she probably needs/wants/desires a man…”

Being desired (on however a basic level) has always been a turn-on for both genders—hence the male fascination with female masturbation. Hence also the lack of female fascination with male masturbation, because of how commonplace and lacking in that charge it is—no more so than eating, shitting and farts. It is not expression of desire for a female—just a desire to get off. Whether the man wanking off actually feels/desires/dreams of is irrelevant—it is the image that is projected through the social filters to the females that lacks the desire component, thus wiping out its attractiveness.


MadCat
on 27 June 2004, 6.06 pm
Being a guy I have to agree that the thought of a woman masturbating is a real turn on, however, I belive that it is part of a much deeper sexual trigger. Just the thought of a woman experiencing the pleasure of an orgasm, no matter how the orgasm is acheived is a strong turn on for me. I think that this deep rooted sexual desire to see a woman satisfied is what allows men to enjoy watching 2 women getting each other off, a theme found in most pornographic works. This desire may also lead to some of the secrecy as the strong positive sexual reactions of a man to the knowlege that a woman has pleasured herself may lead to an encounter that she wishes to avoid. Let's face it, sometimes we men just think with our dicks instead of our brains.


shaggy
on 28 June 2004, 12.55 am
I agree with most of what MadCat says... except the concept of watching 2 women going at it on each other. Personally, I much more favor such things as loyalty and faithfulness than seeing a woman gratified... I'd rather spend a long night in one woman's arms, with love and affection and meaning, then spend a million nights in the arms of as many women as one could ever physically have while still actually remaining practicle (there is only so far a sea of women will stretch before you cannot see/touch the people). In fact, I could spend eternity in one woman's arms, rather than try to satisfy my curiousity. Sure, I'm curious what women look like without clothes, or even what they would sound/look like orgasming... but one cannot satisfy such curiosities, as they could constantly last. There is, after all, always someone you haven't seen without their clothes, no matter how big of a player (read: shithead) you are.

My apologies to the players, which gets me to another point: I do not define a player as one who has been with lots of women, but one who does not care about women. I do not believe that one can truly love more than one person at a time. The reason? Because I think part of the definition of love is "that person who you give everything to... even those gifts you only reserve for one person." If "those gifts" happen to be something you give to anyone who catches your attention, well then... those gifts aren't very special, are they? Really nothing more than a handshake (something you give to friends).

my two cents.

But back to the masturbation. I think two thoughts on the matter. One is that when one gets turned on by something, one should keep it special lest one become jaded to it. I do not talk too much about wanking, but reserve the more graphic depictions to my special someone. This is not because I'm a tight-ass (I do have a severe case of the "I don't give a shit"s) but because I like to keep things special to a severe extent (the more to give to whomever wins my love). For instance, I do not kiss anyone except who I am dating. Small thing, and I don't think any less of those who kiss as a greeting or in terms of friendship... just when I kiss, I feel very tingly and very... aware. I put my all into a kiss, and hopefully I don't suck at it (depends on who you talk to I guess).

And as for me, I think with my heart more than I think with my dick or my brain... although the next runner--up would probably be my dick, I admit.


cris
on 28 June 2004, 1.57 am
This was great lilith, I agree totally. I think the problem of acceptance is stereotyping, like we can't enjoy or suppose to enjoy masturbating. I personal haven’t had to in a very, very long time and prefer the real thing. One of the perks of being married to someone you have a healthy sex life with. I see nothing wrong with masturbation by either gender. But, society view is a different story and has a very strong influence.

Alex - What lilith said is almost exactly what I would say. It is just what guys do and I have even told my man to "go take Mr. hand and go do your thing". Of course I was usually 8 or 9 months pregnant at the time and had no desire to have sex.


11th41
on 28 June 2004, 4.19 am
I second shaggy on what he said.

...I don't relate to this article as much as I might have. I find conversations of masturbation boring, don't burp more often than the other sex and my ass scarcely ever itches so I never scratch it. Like any other male, my baggage needs adjusting every now and then, but no more than any given bra-strap or tight-ass thong wedgy... All in all, I believe I act on quite a gender equivalent par with women - that includes self-pleasure: I don't think I masturbate much more than the women around me.

I suppose it might be because the women around me have always been very open about themselves. They burp and fart and adjust and curse and drink = they're human just like me, they enjoy sex just like me...

I've never viewed myself as a minority - there's a whole lotta dork where I came from - but I guess this article puts me into place. Does it? I don't know...
What I DO know is that I was eating over at Ol' Country Buffet the other day and overheard the waitresses discussing about - yep! you guessed it! - “damn, this new vibrator I got is da shiz!” ... and I'm an old prude, but that ain't the right place to be talking about that, whether you're a man or a woman.


cauchy3
on 29 June 2004, 7.29 am
The ways of eating are feeding in snacks or great feast. Do we all think that to capture or to own the love of some living creatures are sprees. i mean those one behside youreself but some dark of bright image rather than your own but you and him or her are both in specific parrities of gentleness or roughness or tenderness. You also a creature who addict to boons in surprise . So when yoy are touch in discreets or jack off in odd complements. How feel to be full fill are you . Of course if you are refrain to abstain by our environments then it is different. If you have interest to other person in the aspect of sexualities or you are not set back by the burden of families or childs or turn back by feeling when disputed or lack of freedom. Finally your restrictions are few or may be you are well -off being. if it is not for S.T.D or infamous of your names then while not to be deary friends to both sexes or whores taking. SExes are not sins by themselves--by cauchy3


shaggy
on 29 June 2004, 11.18 pm
ummm.... right


Lilith
on 30 June 2004, 10.31 pm
Thanks for replies, good points guys and cris. :) Masturbation isn't actually something that I consider a big and important issue, but I figured it's as good a topic to write on as any, and there were at least a few things that I felt needed to be said out loud, and I am glad you found it worth reading.
_____________________________________

Hehe, shaggy--I have tried to read his articles and posts for a while. I would daresay this is rather coherent for him. At least there are some references to the subject, which is more than I can usually gather from what he writes.

Some of it is great stuff (as one-liners), but I do not honestly know if it is so on purpose or by accident.


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80s candy bars were pretty good

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