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I'm Not Done Yet.

Posted 25 January 2007, 12.07 pm by The_Roach

As I look back over the last six-plus years of my life, I realize that I've been through a few ups and downs. I've engaged in some rough relationships. I helped to create a reasonably successful local print publication in my home city, with all of its associated trials and tribulations. I've made friends and lost friends. Later this year, I plan to marry and start a family. None of these things would have happened without AKpCEP.

This is my home in the digital landscape. I've never found a place that felt more comfortable to me. The greatest thrills and the most crushing defeats that I have experienced in my time on this earth are all connected in some way to this place. I have physically moved my residence no less than four times since I became involved here but I've never left.

Now, I sit in front of this screen every night and I hit F5, hoping that there is something new. But it's largely become rote. It's killing me to see that my home, which I have so much love for, is simply decaying like the rotting corpses I've been reading so much about in Max Brooks' brilliant books on zombie survival.

I miss Spooky, even though he and I haven't really talked for years. I miss Amaurote, who hasn't left but has little to discuss except for British politics (despite the fucking brilliant Doctor Who revival which has not been discussed here since before it started airing two years ago). The elephants, Anton's second ass hole. At this rate, I'm going to start missing Gladiator soon.

Please, God, if you're up there... don't let it come to that.

I know I can't be the only one. It's simply not possible for there to only be one person whose life has been altered in some way by their participation here. I just hope I am not the only one for whom the effect has been positive.

We have tons of archival material. The thirty guests online right now... they aren't all spambots, are they? What can we do to get them in, get them involved, get their lives changed?

This started as a cultural engineering project. Is the culture gone? Has it already failed? Can it be saved or are we just wasting Alexander's (and the donators') money?

If so, I'm terrified. It's been a long time since I was homeless and it is not a prospect I look forward to.

on 31 January 2007, 2.56 am
I, too, have been changed for the better I think for this page. I too miss a lot of the people I used to meet here. But, my friend, that is life... people come and go, disappear and are forgotten. At the same time, we move on, meet new people, and/or remain connected with the people we refuse to let go. For me, I'm undergoing a very difficult time holding onto my love, who is in med-school and as such cannot attend to me with the same levels of attention that she used to. And I take a lot... because living by myself, away from her, I realize what I am on my own, and it is not half the man I am with her. But on the other hand, it is a different entity entirely.

Personally, I will never give up my dream of a culture that is engineered away from all the negatives (xenophobia, hatred, coldness, greed...) and encouraged in the positives (spirituality, philosophy, wisdom, love...) and this dream, as naive as it is, has become my lifeblood.

My life has not been that successful. I have a novel that no one wants to read/publish that I am putting the final touches on, hoping that I can have it the monumental opus that I know I can create if I just bleed for it. And I have been bleeding, believe you me...

In the last two months, I lost being beside the woman I love, but gained a passionate need to be with her that ironically has done nothing but, in my mind, strengthen my relationship and inspire me. Because now that I'm lonely, I can channel that emotion, and I have never been more sensitive to pathos. Hopefully that will help in my writing.

And I don't think the project has failed. I've noticed that the world itself is every so slowly moving toward something more positive. The question is not whether the movement of engineering our culture has or has not failed... the question is whether or not this positive can overcome the negative, whether it can quench the flames that are already burning, whether or not the world can truly be saved at all.

We shall see, my friend. We shall see.

on 31 January 2007, 7.34 am
I think there's different ways and different degrees of changing the world. I think if the site's changed *one persons* world (which we all know it has) then it's a success by degrees. And that's only by giving people a mechanism to meet each other and letting fate do the rest.

on 1 February 2007, 5.17 am
Wow. My experience on the net dated back to online chat room rpgs' using D&D, and World of Darkness as jumping off points. I did it for ... 7 years. Then it began to crumble. It began to wither, and it actually became nothing. I was lost.

I couldn't get that fix anymore that my brain craved. Intellectual stimulation, out right stupidity, and my precious creativity. I need it.

I find myself here. Waiting. Posting. Creating. Getting my fix. I don't feel so lost anymore, or alone.

I recruit. I try. Those old gears in my head that had shut down a few years ago (I've gone that long with much of nothing.) turn, crank, and rev up. I like it here.

on 1 February 2007, 7.35 am
I think we should all start cranking. As hard as possible.

Welcome Reliquiae, by the way - you've already made a noticeable difference in the Shed. Could this be the start of a R-E-V-I-V-A-L?

on 5 February 2007, 1.00 pm
I'm not a spambot.

I always liked this place but I never joined in because all the positivity put me off. :p I've got a grumpy and miserable reputation to maintain.

on 5 February 2007, 4.14 pm
oh there is cynicism here. Most of us try hard to be positive, but doesn't mean we can't bitch and complain.

Oh and I happen to be a spambot. Seriously. I will spam you. Look out.

Ok, alright, I'm not really a spambot...

on 5 February 2007, 9.37 pm
To be honest, I agree with whoever said it that we need more opposition around here. Helps to even it all out. I say post your heart out and create some unrest. It seems to be what we're missing to some extent.

on 10 February 2007, 3.54 am
I thrive on opposition... disagree with me please! I love to argue, so long as everyone knows that arguments do not necessarily mean that we detest each other. Maybe I will detest someone because they are too different than me for me to be able to handle, but they'd have to be pretty freakin different... like... a murderous kitty-killer that rapes children while filming shallow reality tv shows.

on 15 February 2007, 3.24 am
Did someone call? *snickers* Lol.

on 16 February 2007, 9.39 pm
At this point in my life, I'm not sure which I believe in less: the real world, or the virtual one. I'm pretty sure neither of them believe in me, which interestingly makes three of us.

on 17 February 2007, 2.46 pm
What about fantasy worlds? Would that make four?

on 17 February 2007, 3.10 pm
Only if you're ignoble enough to use actual arithmetic.

on 17 February 2007, 4.44 pm
Roach contacted me a while back regarding AKpCEP, and I'd be a liar if I said that this whole scenario hasn't been in the back of my mind ever since.

I hate the fact that I have to feel beholden to a website. I've sort of gotten snooty in that aspect: I don't want to feel like I have a digital anchor, but I do. I remember the day that I was fucking around on sites like (god, I can't even remember the name anymore..somethingfilter, somethingproject?) and Alex approached me to come write for this website. Being an impressionable teenager, I followed him.

....After the rape and candy, I began to feel a sort of Stockholm Syndrome-esque sensation towards Alex and AKpCEP and decided to stick around. People dealt with my naivete and retardation, and I loved it. Fit in like a square peg in a round hole: it took a while, but I finally managed to wedge my way in. I threw my heart and soul into some truly laughable shit, trying desperately to indulge my own creativity in a perpetual state of mental masturbation. But the payoff felt pretty good, and I got marginally better at it.

A lot of things have changed in my life since then. My perspectives on many things, my convictions, have shifted and become shaped into what they are now, what with the basic threads having endured the slings and arrows of time and having come out a little more battered, but stronger and more defined than they were before.

I think it's the same thing with me. I've taken a couple of losses, learned some lessons about humanity, and in spite of my abject cynicism, still manage to find some pretty cool things in the world. I think that AKpCEP kinda served as the crowbar to help pry my eyes open and rescue me from the same retarded bullshit that pervaded small-town life (at the very least, kept me from being an extra on a possible sequel to Deliverance) and helped make me a little more globally aware. One could argue that the Intertron could have taken care of that itself, but I disagree. Here, I got the opinions. The worldviews. The personal stories. Everything that a quick perusal of the BBC couldn't give me.

While I'm damn close to sharing Mr_Fred_Smith's cynicism in regards to the virtual world and the real world, I'm not quite there. I still think that there's a fair bit of humanity left out here in the digital ether, despite it being overrun by viral ad campaigns, pathological liars who indulge in blogging to feed their own fevered fucking egos, endless pages of people trying to sell you shit, promote shit, or not sell you shit, Myspace emo kiddies, dog porn, and everything else that a cursory Google search will net you.

And if AKpCEP and various other sister and brother sites are those safe harbors in the storm of interweb bullshit, so be it. We could do a hell of a lot worse.

on 17 February 2007, 6.22 pm
I agree. I, too, got roped into writing for Akpcep ironically when I entirely disagreed with a post in an archive. It was refreshing to see a world where if you disagree, you aren't a son of a bitch dumb-ass party-pooper, like I am normally seen as. I like to debate... I LOVE it... and I have my own set of beliefs that I have arguments for... the only thing I strive for is that everyone at least look into their beliefs with a slight bit of cynicism and say "why do I believe that?" and then develop arguments that can not only cement their own beliefs, but can also help express and possibly share the arguments that led to that conclusion, to find out if they make sense or not.

I'm the type of person, you can agree with me or disagree with me. I will not harbor any ill will. Unless you date me and cheat on me. I'm sorry, while my logic mind may be able to say "it was just a moment, and they come home to me", the heart just doesn't buy into that. Oh, and if you believe that I deserve to die and/or am worthless, I will most likely not like you a whole bunch then either.

So the moral of the story is this: I'm only really a party pooper when your party is either cheating on me (if you cheat on others, as long as I don't know them, have a rockin' good time) or trying to kill me/belittle me. Akpcep taught me that that is alright. And that I can still disagree with you AND have a rockin' good time having intellectual battles. And then leave knowing that neither party feels there was any grudge.

This place really makes me feel safe. Feels like I can offer up any opinion and, as long as I back it up, you guys will engage me, tell me what you think... do anything but find me a "party-pooper" for it.

I think akpcep is the only place, on the internet or in "real" life, where you could have these two things on the same thread: someone who hawks pornographic wares and an avid anti-pornographer. I'm sure the list of polar opposites does not stop there.

The world needs more places like this... where people of incredibly different backgrounds can come together not so they can build a farmhouse or dig a well for a third world... not that any of those things are bad, but I think we all come back to akpcep because we truly appreciate the diversity of opinion, and never truly know what to expect. To me, an argument between a pornographer and an anti-pornographer does not have to be "party man and party pooper". It could also be two intellectuals defending their beliefs, however much they differ.

I will probably never be convinced of hedonist arguments. But that isn't the point. We all come here to see, just to make sure... to make sure that our arguments are sound, and that the other person's arguments may be stronger than we thought. Which means one of two things: accept them and agree, or try to find an argument for your belief that counters it. A third option is necessary for peace: just simply 'agree to disagree'... but I don't think there are many people here that are like that... not because we don't like peace, but we enjoy the thrill of talking to someone who disagrees with us... on both sides. That is why the pornographer, here, can talk to the antipornographer. It isn't about who wins... its about the intellectual thrill of jumping into a place that is unfamiliar, and being able to say "I disagree for the following reasons, and I know you won't hate me for that."

Not literally saying that, but you get the point.

on 19 February 2007, 7.17 am
Awww Jake the Snake, I miss you.

It's quite odd really, all the time the site was in it's "heyday" ie. when it was in it's classic phases Waldo/Spooky/Jam Torkberg or Jake/Diva/Roach/Gladiator I always felt it should be bigger or more popular. Now, I can kind of see that it WAS popular, or at least more so than I gave it credit for.

It'll be interesting to see what happens to the next phase, it really wouldn't surprise me if a renaissance is around the corner. Maybe people will get tired of blogging into the wind and actually feel like interacting with people on the net again? Who knows?

on 19 February 2007, 5.29 pm
Blogging is a very isolating existence. Lol.

on 20 February 2007, 6.26 pm
I hate blogging. Only reason I ever did it in the first place because some schmuck told me if I blogged and linked to my site I'd get more hits.

That's like saying if you masturbate more often you'll get more chicks. Doesn't make any sense to me... but whatever.

on 20 February 2007, 8.53 pm
Wait, you mean that's not true? Goddamnit..

on 23 February 2007, 3.18 am
There goes all my hopes and dreams right there... *sniffles*

on 2 March 2007, 8.25 pm
I am not a bot, I do call in but don 't post often.

I am not a writer - I make images for a living so maybe its about time I sent you some of the latest images that I have been working on of late ... ( womens knickers hanging out to dry for an exhibition in Florence for a start ) ...can you sort this out for me Alexander so that we can update those images just to the left ? Thanks


on 2 March 2007, 10.42 pm
Sure thing - email them with a paragraph of text for each to the usual address and I'd be very glad to have them on the site!

Green Mamba
on 5 March 2007, 12.28 pm
Kudus to Alexander for reminding me that AkpCep is still around ... after all, this is where my life changed beyond anything I would have ever imagined. Funny how that change was the same thing that kept me from coming back here for so long. Now all I need is my good friend Ben Wright to join me in another word war about the Holographic Universe.

on 16 March 2007, 8.31 am
maybe its about time I sent you some of the latest images that I have been working on of late ... ( womens knickers hanging out to dry for an exhibition in Florence for a start ) ...can you sort this out for me Alexander so that we can update those images just to the right ? Thanks ... well, I did send them to you Alexander two weeks ago .. is there a problem ?


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Hey Cris, it's as busy here as it was at the end - which is to say, not at all

I wish I could new you guys was here in the beginning of 2020 LOL

OMG I was feeling nostalgic and I can’t believe that AKP is still here! So how’s it going ?

Props to Green Mamba for bringing the weirdness


80s candy bars were pretty good

only because i traded it for a candy bar in the 80's.


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