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Testicles In The Wind

Posted 28 August 2009, 2.00 am by VanGogh

Since April I have been making a habit out of hitting the gym. Iím down right around 50 pounds as of this writing. And while that number would be more impressive if I still didnít have twice that to go, Iím going to go ahead and pat myself on the back.

These days the gym is not only a part of my daily work routine, but also something I do at home. When we moved, my wife and I both joined the 24 hour gym that is a quarter-mile from our apartment. So three or four times I week I also put in a workout down there. Having now solidly settled into the groove of routine fitness, Iíd like to remark upon something that Iíve noticed. Or rather, something that I have witnessed against my wishes:

Old, naked fat guys blow drying their pubes.

I donít know what possesses a man to blow dry his nether region. Perhaps it is part of a sacred styling ritual. Or maybe it is related to a trauma caused by a case of severe jock itch that they have vowed never to repeat. Whatever the root cause is, why are they constantly doing it in front of me?

And why are they all fat? At any given time there are between 5 and 35 people working out at the same time I am, regardless of location. Of those, the great majority look so fit that you have to believe they are working out at another gym just to look that good while working out at this gym. Statistically speaking, youíd think that from time to time Iíd walk into the locker room to find a Hercules wafting heated air at his secondary beard. But it has never happened. They are always fat, old, and disturbingly naked.

For awhile I thought it might have something to do with balding. The majority of offenders are chrome-dome types, and I thought that maybe they just missed the thrill-filled exhilaration that comes with blow drying. But then I saw what can only be described as an aging, overweight sasquatch performing his own rendition of ďno wet ball left behindĒ. (And franklyÖ given the fur factor, you have to wonder how that particular spot earned a good drying when the rest of him, including his head, was still a matted mess.)

And even if you set aside the seizure-inducing spectacle that is ďTesticles In The WindĒ, you are still left with a plethora of old, fat, naked guys strutting about. Being a man of girth myself, I always try to do my part to screen the world from my ďvast expansesĒ. It seems only polite. But these fellows donít seem to be aware of the spectacle they are creating.

And believe me, it is a spectacle. Because they arenít just strutting about sans clothes or a towel, they are frequently finding reasons to bend over. Itís as if once they are naked they become extremely obsessed with getting a good look at their toes. Or maybe they are just checking to see if they have dried their man patch yet. Regardless, at least once a week I find myself in a locker room full of old, fat, naked men alternatively blow drying their pubes and bending over to perform various questionable tasks.

I canít be certain, but I imagine this is what it would have looked like if Hitler and Satan got together to choreograph a ballet.

Alexander
on 30 August 2009, 12.36 pm
I too, have been going to the gym regularly since last December. Fortunately I've yet to see anyone's ballsack. Perhaps the problem is your going to the types of gym that have a coffee shop in the foyer, and a nice selection of cakes to go with your skinny latte? My gym practically has sawdust on the floor, big lumps of iron and all the ugly men at least keep their clothes on.


Villager
on 22 September 2009, 12.13 pm
I bet you enjoy it, secretly.

Alex is right, as per; "real men" in a gym, as opposed to overweight office workers in a health club, should have much closer views to yourself. I've been going to my gym for six months; I still take care to avoid looking anyone in the eye. In return, no-one exposes their genitalia.

On a related note, an increasingly demented elderly neighbour of my parents' has started to call my father Bollockhead on account of his bald head.


Alexander
on 23 September 2009, 3.00 pm
Ha ha! Ah being old (and senile) must rock.You can literally get away with anything.


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Hmph

80s candy bars were pretty good

only because i traded it for a candy bar in the 80's.

lol we all know you don't have a soul ghoti

my soul for some carbs...

But of course!

Yo ! Does this work ?

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