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I Don't know...

Posted 29 September 2003, 4.23 am by Noctornus

Where Am I? It's a question most of us ask at some point or another. Usually when we first wake up. Sometimes from a dream. Sometimes from a drug or alcohol induced slumber. Occasionally after having the shit kicked out of us. But enough of that. I mean Where Am I Now? Where in my life am I? Some people believe that Death is the only thing that keeps life interesting. They have a point. If it weren't for the imminent nature of death, we would all take our time living our lives, lounging around, and enjoying ourselves. But some sort of ingrained sense of urgency begs us to make something of ourselves. Something telling us that death is at the doorstep, and we'd better fucking hurry up and be good citizens, and buy lots of useless shit and be happy, and then finally die one day, alone, in bed, with a load of shit in our pants, with a wee little smile upon our face. Fuck that. Death isn't what makes life interesting. Life is what makes life interesting. I'm talking about taking the road less traveled. I may not be a model citizen, but I work for my money, I pay my taxes, buy fast food, and bask in the light from that guant fucking billboard that was paid for with the money of stupid shits like me.

I don't mean to sound un-appreciative. I do enjoy being a consumer whore. I like my stuff. But lately I've been wondering why in the hell I even bother. Why did I buy a house? Why do I keep buying stuff? Why do i insist that I have to live in a place that I hold no feelings for? Why don't I just pick up and start a new life? I've done it before. I picked up, left the nest, and made a life all my own. Now I'm back where I started. Living a life that brings no fulfilment, that has no future. A life that's totally boring, mind-numbing, and average. Why should I keep living a life that at it's most basic level just pisses me off. I don't know. I think it may be because I'm a big pussy. It's almost funny to think, but as much as I hate the way that things are shaping up right now, I'm too much of a pussy to do any different. I'm too afraid of myself, of having my own life. On some level I just want to be an average Joe Nobody. Then again, on some lever, I also want to be your average everyday Jeffery Dahmer. Maybe it's just because I'm conflicted with respect to my life, and my place in the world. I don't know.

Maybe I should stop searching for answers late in the night, and embrace consumerism completely, sell my soul out to the multi-nations and let them ream me in the ass. Let them 'Service the Account' as I shell out $15 for CD's that cost pennies to make, and $40 for T-Shirts that are printed by some little kid in China. Maybe I should just shun it all, and become a total hippie, smoking pot all day, and shunning everything that 'The Man' has created. Maybe I should just blow my fucking brains out. or maybe, just maybe, I should go out there, live my life, Become a corporate tycoon, and help the Corporations fuck everybody. Yeah, now there's an idea. But wait, I have scruples and morals. Ahh well. Fuck that Idea.

I think I should probably sleep on it, and if I still have that will to kill come morning, I may just work my way into politics. No better way to kill people than to order them into the abyss with a wave of the pen and the hollow promise that they'll save the world from the threat of 'Weapons of Mass Destruction,' or maybe even 'Terrorism.' Give me a fucking Break.

Fuck it all. Why do I bother? Really, why do I continue to live my life, day in, and day out, with only the promise of a nice pine box and a hole in the ground once I've given all that I can give. Why must we all live our lives in the endless pursuit of happiness when the happiness we seek is to die with the most stuff? Why the hell should any of us give a damn when we all know that at the end of our lives, the only people who are going to remember us are our loved ones? Whoopety shit. They'll be too busy blubbering to realize that we, as individuals hold an endless capacity to make NO impact on the world at large. Shouldn't we focus on making the world a place that anybody can live in happiness, instead of turning the entire world into one giant Strip Mall?

I don't know. I'll probably wake up in the morning, go to work, and continue to me a good little consumer. I don't know any better.

I'll leave you with the words of Mark Renton. 5 Points to the first person to identify where this is from...




[renton]Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers.

Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends.

Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.

But why would I want to do a thing like that?
[/renton]

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Death And Creation

Posted 24 September 2003, 11.12 pm by Anton

This might not be laid out as an article because it was never intended as one. Its just me and my thoughts laid out on a page...

-------------

Death, its a funny thing isn't it?

Well actually its not really that funny. Its intriguing though, being a man of no religious disposition I have absolutely no idea what happens when you die. It could be heaven/hell, it could be reincarnation or it could be absolutely nothing. To me death is a big dark cave. We spend our entire lives walking round outside this cave never knowing what's inside. Certain people will adamantly tell you what's inside, most of us will stay as far away from it as possible whilst some just decide to run inside way before their time. All we know about the cave is once you go far enough in you're never coming back. There could be everything you ever wanted inside it, money, women, beer, drugs whatever. It could also have a big fuck off bear ready to slowly rip you into small pieces and devour you or it could just be a big fucking empty cave and you spend the rest of eternity lost in the darkness.

I don't lean either way as to the contents of the cave but I have a hard time comprehending that there is absolutely nothing there. All I know is being alive and I really can't even begin to consider not being alive. You could compare it to being asleep but you never know when you're asleep, you just know you were once you wake up. You never wake up from death so who's going to tell you that you're dead?

Linked to that is consciousness, I can't seem to agree that we're nothing but chemical reactions. It all makes perfect sense until things like personality and thought comes into it. Are you telling me that the way one chemical reacts with another can determine exactly who I am? What part of biology explains why I like the type of women I do, what part of biology allows to 'hear' the thoughts I think inside my head?

Death is the only thing in this world I am afraid of. Its the unknown, the one thing I will never understand. I never want to die, if only because I like being alive and as unpredictable as it is at least I know the rules within which it operates. Well its not dying I'm afraid of, I accept that one day my time will end and I shall die. I know this. I'm afraid of whatever happens after I die.

When I think of death I always think of birth. Not human birth but the birth of everything. The big bang theory and stuff like that. Here's what I can remember being taught...

There were a load of gases and energy in the universe and for some reason they all gravitated towards some point and once it got dense enough *BANG* it all exploded and slowly the universe began to form and apparently its still expanding.

What are we expanding into? Whenever I think of an empty space I think of an empty box but a box always has borders. Does the universe have a border? What does it look like? What's on the other side? What happens if we pass the border? If it doesn't have borders what the fuck are we expanding into? Space isn't nothing, it must be something for things to go into it. Nothing is the lack of anything from space to matter. Nothingness doesn't really exist.

Anyway, even if the big bang is right the matter must have come from somewhere and whatever it came from must've come from somewhere and wherever that came from... etc. It can be traced back as far as you can go until eventually you just have to say "It was just there". Now I don't know if its just me but I can't even begin to fathom things just appearing out of nowhere. Could a lump of matter just randomly appear on my desk right now? Of course not, so why the fuck do we have to assume something just appeared in the beginning of time?

Things like this make my brain fry. Its why I try not to think about it because it seems like something we will never ever understand. I'm typically more concerned about the here and now, the present and immediate future. The distant future is to rife with unpredictabilities and the past has already happened. That's not to say I disregard them completely, we must learn from past mistakes but dwelling on them is foolish. We should never let tradition stand in the way of bettering ourselves. We must plan for the future as well because one day it will become the present but we shouldn't plan for the future at great expense to ourselves now should we come to regret it later. I could work my ass off everyday in the hopes of being able to retire at 45 but then I could get hit by a bus next year and spend the rest of my life as a quadriplegic and regret spending all this time working hard when I could've been having fun.

That's about all I can think to put now, there wasn't much of an ending but my thoughts never do have one. They just stop and move onto something else.

Observations

Posted 24 September 2003, 9.03 pm by Shaggy

People watching should be considered an art. Rarely do people take the time to look at their fellow man. In fact, I had to be introduced to this subtle art by my significant other. I was surprised at how quickly human nature exposed itself to me (not literally of course, though if you wish, I'm sure there is a stripjoint near you to serve that purpose).

Take, for instance, women. The subtleties do not go unnoticed by me. The butt-wiggling is one of the most interesting fads I had the pleasure of noticing. This strange mating ritual looks rather ridiculous when you stop and actually realize what the poor lady is doing. Certainly, there is a certain art to this movement, but still, it is a method to lure men into the complete and utter control of the woman.

I often wonder how far back this strange phenomenon occurs. Did the cave-women sway their (potentially) hairy behinds in order to lure lugheads into clubbing them and dragging them into the secure confines of "Ugg-Jugg's crib?"

I also find a disturbing amount of fake-ness about women. Now, do not get me wrong, I am not a misogynist! On the contrary, I think a lot of women do not take enough pride in themselves! Ladies, show us your real, true beauty! Men do not truly appreciate having to wait alongside the bed as you take off your face (make-up), your breasts (bra-padding or water-bras), your ass (butt-enhancers), your facial tape, your hair... what are we left with? Someone entirely new! Be proud of your natural beauty, and if you feel shy, or inadequate... at least have some hope that men are not difficult to please. Its true. At times, men are freakin' morons.

Another thing I noticed: a disturbing amount of 50 year old MARRIED men have their eyes fixated on 18 year old ass. Granted, youth can be an attractive thing, but I do get disturbed when I see an older man eye-f---ing some teenager, only stopping when his WIFE AND KIDS come up to meet him. This is not specifically disturbing for the age difference (though I personally find that aspect rather disturbing) but because of the respect he is showing his wife.

News to all men: it is no wonder that lesbianism is so rampant if you keep on the way you do! Appreciate your wife! Be happy for her beauty, for her power, for her intelligence, for everything that makes her HER. While eye-roaming is inevitable, eye-f---ing is not necessary, and sets a bad example for what you think of your wife's beauty (if you find your wife beautiful, why become so infatuated elsewhere?) and a bad example for your children (do you really want your 5 year old daughter to think she has to look exactly like that 18 year old at all times to be attractive? Do you really want to teach her that shallowness means so much?)

Not all my observations are negative, however. I delight in seeing those strong, intelligent parents who encourage the inquisitive side of children. "What is that, daddy?" "Why, that's a dolphin. It is the most wonderful of fish, and plays in the sea!" It is hard to describe these parents. They just give off an aura of appreciation, and it is not hard to see into their happiness and supportiveness.

Lovers are also interesting. Especially new lovers, where the man is so happy he is utterly stupid (or perhaps the woman is suffering the same fate). Nothing delights me more than to see two people, regardless whether same sex, different sex, different age.... just two people who you can tell are utterly happy. I feel happy FOR these people, as if they pass on their happiness to me, and it is a gift to see these people smile.

I enjoy teachers and public speakers, as they give off so much about themselves, and attempt to mask so much as well. I enjoy everything about life, about the energy given to me.

In fact, I think I'm going to go for a walk. Who knows what else I'll see. Maybe it will make me angry and disappointed in the human race. Maybe it will be a pleasant surprise. Whatever it will be, I know it will be worthwhile.

So take a moment, and look around you. You will be surprised at what people speak of themselves by the swinging of an arm, the direction of their eyes, the clothes they wear.

When you begin to be talented at this art, you begin to wonder: how much can people tell by the way I am in public?

Haha!

Posted 24 September 2003, 6.38 am by Acheron

Best... rpg... ever!

Get Progress Quest!

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A year or so ago I undertook a study entitled 'Faces of Death'. I produced a quite substantial body of work concerning corpses, and faces in particular. I concentrated mainly on victims of murder. This image was produced by rolling a thick layer of ink onto a steel plate and rubbing, scratching and soaking it off with turps. The plate was then pressed onto paper, and this is the result.


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80s candy bars were pretty good

only because i traded it for a candy bar in the 80's.

lol we all know you don't have a soul ghoti

my soul for some carbs...

But of course!

Yo ! Does this work ?

* Alexander wonders if this still works

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