rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ''''''''' rrrrrTHHY Ml';,lkuh g ,,,,,,,,.////# :'@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@:POLIR NBM KJHVFDDDDD . Sorry, I think I fell asleep there for a time. Allow me to explain.
I don't know anything. I haven't suffered a bump to the head or anything (not that I'm aware of at least) and I don't think I've been taking drugs. I know my name and I know what day it is. I know how to ask for directions to the hospital in German, French and Arabic, and I could tell you quite a lot about the origins of the European Enlightenment right now, but none of it means anything to me. My name just a tag, the day changing roughly every 24 hours. I probably won't ever need a hospital outside of Britain and the Enlightenment could be the invention of a brighter kind of light bulb for all I care. No, what I don't know is the problem, not what I do. Who am I? What am I? What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Does it matter? Why does it matter? Who am I to say it matters? Why does anything need to matter?
I took a shower today, thought it might freshen me up a little. After about twenty minutes I get bored with standing, so I sit down. The walls are a little damp and cold, but once you learn to love them, they love you right back. I stare at the wall, watching the water drops splash against the sheer surface of my plastic cage, and trickling down until they disappear into the puddle surrounding me. I feel as though it understands. The water doesn't need things to matter; it just does what it must. It doesn't care whether I stay clean or not. I begin to feel tired, and start to think about things. I get tired of thinking, so I try to keep it under control. I think about what makes me smile, what makes me sad. What I want for the future, how I feel about what has happened. How I feel about now. How do I feel? The thoughts can't hold my attention for long, and soon they too trickle down into the water, where they can't make any noise.
I begin to laugh. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been sitting here for nearly an hour. Why is that funny? I haven't got anything else to do. Laughing doesn't seem funny anymore, and I feel like crying. I try to get a hold of myself, but I can't think of any reason not to cry, so I let it out. Trouble is, I'm not sure that I feel sad, so I swing between laughing and crying for a while. I feel very tired all of a sudden. It's rare that I feel energetic, but now I feel deprived of energy. Have I been eating properly? Well enough, I guess. I lean my head against the wall, and kiss the water as it falls. I want to fall asleep. I can't quite explain why I didn't, but it crossed my mind that I might wake up with hypothermia or something. The water is getting cold now, but it feels warm. A voice somewhere inside wonders aloud what it would feel like to have hypothermia.
I turn the water off. I persuade myself to get out and I get dried and dressed. As I ponder my wrinkles I realise that once again everything that I thought I knew is either wrong or utterly useless. What do I want to know? I couldn't tell you, but I'll know when I do.
I want to sleep now. Gtrseeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEe EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,, , , ,, , ,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, , , ,, , ,, ,, ,, ,, ,, , , ,, ,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,, , ,,,,,,,,,,,,, , ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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