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Posted 12 November 2002, 7.21 pm by firebrand

I might be crazy, but i think this is effing hilarious.

No Kin to a Monkey

those crazy fundamentalists . . .

All that is left; II

Posted 11 November 2002, 5.46 am by Acheron

That the antecedence to this article, viz. "All Taht's Left; I", was merely the disjunct and maudlin tirade of a thoroughly inebriated adolescent, fraught with corrigendums, of syntax and lexicon both, and owing to the culmination of egoism, narcissism, and angst, it is unfortunately unimpeachable. The preceding, for which I most humbly submit the following fervid apology, a verbal self-flagellation of sorts, is in no way, shape, or form a manifestation or even an approximation, rough or sharp, of my own beliefs, thoughts, actions, et cetera. The scope of the trauma I have inflicted upon individuals, nay, the community itself as a whole, through my own callous misrepresentation of myself, and through the slander to the "Front Page, Articles Core", via verbal expression that was nothing shy of atrocious; this I cannot begin to fathom. Henceforth, I am left with no choice but to offer myself, woebegone and ostracized, abandoned in my time of most dire need, to the community-at-large, apologetically, bearing in mind, however remote as they may seem, the hopes that on some day, some sanguine, blissful, cycle in the future, its sublime empyrean emblematic of my own utter rapture, that I may once again rekindle my torrid love-affair with the written word on this very expanse of webspace, itself merely a crasis of those two most fundamental of numbers, one and none; what an amazing revelation it is, tangentially, that this humblest of expositories sent clacking forth from my paws is, at its core, an inconceivably lengthy colonnade of binary code. Profound, n'est pas? But, even in the act of digression from this supremely important thesis, I am once again steeled in my resolve to resolve this issue in as efficient a manner as I can practically affect, so that our electro-Tammany's most sanctimonious political, social, and cultural ideals may germinate amongst the whole of mortality. Once again, prostrate with sincerity, I offer this most heartfelt of recantations for what was most flagrantly, almost satirically, writing of the most deplorable quality. I hope most earnestly that you will all, within your own just yet beating hearts, find my arguments cogent, and do me the utmost benefaction, and here I pay no heed to the necessary penance, such is my downcast state, of blessed absolution.

all taht's left; I

Posted 8 November 2002, 8.41 pm by Acheron

so lemme tell you about this crap day i had today. I mean i had to wake up at seven in teh goddamn morning for a rehearsal I didn't want to be at. i showed up five minutes late because i decided to shave for once this morning. something noone noticed anyways. What a pissoff. so anyways i get into this rehearsal and its string quartet; Aka stupid stupid stupid and me hammering through hopefully good music. But then we decide to slowly trash through some crap we picked up for school concerts. let me point out to you that the songs we worked on were “This old man’ and some crap german title, I dunno what it was called, Die Berlinereinfindsamkiteleider or something. And don’t think Im making up some comicly long name because the shit is that long. and man oh man does that music suck. Just a bunch of goddaMn notes on a page if you know what i mean. So then guess what happens? Well i was

Reader Submission #87198528

Posted 7 November 2002, 11.20 pm by Alexander

This is a reader submission from Mhordanis. Never heard of him.

"Unbelievable," he thought to himself as he rode his bike southward down the busy highway. "Unbe-fucking-lievable."

It's not like this was the first time he had done this, either. Just last week he had left it out in the rain at a friend's house; god, was that a fun night. He biked almost 10 miles that night only to spend an hour and a half digging on his hands and knees through his friend's yard. Maurice, who could forget Maurice, with his perfectly shaped face and over-worked body. "The man's going to die before he's thirty," he thought to himself, as he pleasantly recalled the nights he had spent in Maurice's arms.

And there was the time he was at Claire's house; so much money spent for one night, so little to show for the weeks and weeks of pay he spent on the supplies. It probably took him somewhere near three days to come off the high he got from all the acid he took. Car rides seem so much more fun when you're rolling, or tripping, or drunk, or anything besides the ordinary, average, day-to-day task of pushing your self-propelled automobile through the callous streets of the town he lived in.

"Shit. Where the fuck am I?" He suddenly looked around at the scenery he was completely oblivious to not one minute before. This wasn't the street that his friend lived on, nor was it even a recognizable distance from the house he was supposed to be venturing towards. Memories often cause lapse in... well, memories, if you delve far enough into them. He saw a house that looked absolutely the fucking same as every other house in the complex, so he figured that this was as good of a place as any to ask for directions.

Without a care in the world, he strolled up to the front door of a painfully bright white house with aqua green trim. The number on the house read "216", unbelievably premoniscient of the surprisingly different actions that were to take place in such a drab, mundane neighborhood. He hummed a song he heard at the club last night as he knocked twice on the door.

Looking back on the event in the afterlife, he sorely wished that he had been more observant when a seemingly ordinary man opened the door. If he weren't so obsessed with the memories of his past, he might have noticed he blood stains on the man's white collar shirt, or the gun held at his own head.

He looked up into the man's eyes and smiled a warm greeting. "Hey there. Sorry to bother you, was wondering if you know how to get to 9 Cloud Avenue."
The short, bald man who answered the door replied with, "Who the hell are you, and what the hell do you want?"
"Well, sir. I'm trying to get to 9 Cloud Avenue. I have a friend who lives there, and I guess I left my..."

The man who answered the door wished in hindsight that he had waited for the very next word out of the man's mouth before he ended any further speech with a single shotgun blast.

The short, bald man drug the body into the house and laid it on the couch, where he proceeded to rip through the pockets of the man's clothing. "It's not here. IT'S NOT FUCKING HERE," he exclaimed, obviously reaching a hurdle he had not expected. "I watched this one for WEEKS. I watched him throw it around everywhere he went. He didn't already give it to me, did he?"

The man pulled out a PDA and a stylus, and begun tapping furiously on the LCD touch-screen. A few moments later, he threw it down in a fit of rage, obviously not finding what he was expecting. "He hasn't given it to me yet. Where the fuck could it be?"

Suddenly the dead man's cell phone rang.

"Hello?" the short, bald man answered.
"Josh?" the voice on the other end of the phone replied.
"Yeah, it's me. What's up?"
"Well, you left a slip of paper on my table. Remember? You took it out before we snorted that line. I can't read the handwriting on it... looks like it's in some other language."
The short, bald man danced a tiny dance. "Thanks for finding that for me. I'd KILL to get that back. I'll be there in a bit, ok?"
He then hung up the phone without waiting for an answer.

The short, bald man put on a clean shirt, combed over his three hairs, and put on a devilish smile. He grabbed his shotgun and whistled a Led Zeppelin tune as he walked out to his cherry red Corvette, eager to gain an incredibly easy two-for-one deal this afternoon. It turned out that this just may be the day he had been waiting for.

Old people = Shit

Posted 7 November 2002, 2.59 pm by Sickan

I am currently working as a cleaning-robot. Yeah, that’s right, me – I clean people’s houses. And it is, as you probably can imagine, not the most fulfilling and interesting job out there – but it makes sure that I can pay my internet bills and get foo..(yeah right) get more PS2 games.

But even though I don’t like the job I still know how to be polite and nice to the people I clean house for. Now, most of my ‘clients’ (as the company so elegantly calls them) are elderly people who can’t run around in their fat-ass mansions and clean all the crap up that they spill. And I am serious, damn old people are so good at messing stuff up and spread their dust all over the place. Oh well.

Anyway, I had an old bi(a)tch the other day. She was the last one that day and I was looking forward to get home and do much more interesting things than run around with a vacuum cleaner. I was kinda early there and when she opened the door an old smell hit my face and I could see that there had not been people there to clean for quite some time. I politely told her who I was and why I was there and she let me in.

The place was a mess. Not alone very filthy and dusty but there were scattered papers and magazines, clothes and bed sheets all over the place – even in the kitchen. Now this is normally where I am supposed to tell the old folks that I can’t clean the place if there is messy, and that they have to get rid of all the stuff and I will come back another day – and the leave the place and stuff. But I was in a good mood and thought to myself ‘Well jolly old Sickan, you can help this poor woman out and use a little more time here and get all this fixed.’ (I was in a pretty good mood that day..) So I began in one room and started to pick up her dirty clothes and stuff. She was behind me all the time, chattering as most old people do. She told me stuff about her grandchild and her husband – ya know all these uninteresting things – I just smiled and nodded when I was supposed to. (After a while in the business you just know when to let them talk and not respond).

When I had used almost two hours and 45 min. there I was finished. She had just kept on talking even when I used the vacuum cleaner – I mean she was in the talky corner that’s for sure. Anyway I turned to her and smiled and told her the good news (that I had finished and she now had a clean nice house again). Then she stared at me and I could see something changing in her eyes. She lowered her head and looked at me with her old blue eyes. ‘Empty your pockets and take of your socks’ the sound had sounded like her voice and my eyebrows flew up in my forehead, I smiled and stepped a little bit closer to her, ‘Say again?’ she took a deep breath and looked me straight in the eyes ‘ I saw you take money from my purse, so empty your pockets and take of your socks’. I looked at her and giggled, I had no choice I mean my stomach felt like a thousand bees and my mind turned black. I blinked and she pointed her stupid little finger at me, ‘do it – I know that you have stolen from me!’

Then I realized that she was accusing me for stealing! The muscles in my back turned hard as I straightened it. There was a thousand things that I wanted to tell her – I wanted to curl her up, dribble her and throw her out the window. I just looked down at her. Her crappy face made me realize that she wanted to speak again I said, ‘Who the hell do you think you are? How dare you accuse me of that? What the hell is your problem? You have been behind me the whole fucking time I have been here!!’ She smiled and said, ‘I am going to call your firm and tell them about this!’

As I took my coat and shoes on I looked at her, that shitty old lady with nothing better to do than bug people like me. I was there to help her out – I was there to make her house look better and be a good place to be, I had listened to all her shit about her stupid grandchild and about how young people today are dumb-asses – I had spent more time at her place than I have ever done other places and I had really made an effort – all with the foolish idea that she would be glad and perhaps even happy. But she had to turn on me – she had to do this – fucking old bitch!

Now you must wonder why I am so upset about this and I can’t really explain it. But I think I just got mad at her for accusing me because that thought has never crossed in my mind, why would I want to steal from old people? She attacked my moral and made it clear that I (in her mind) is an immoral person. And that I hate.

Today when I went to work I was quite worried about this. If she had told my boss and my boss made a deal out of it there were a lot of things I should prepare myself. Like how many money would she say I had stolen from her , if my boss believed her and not me would I get fired or just put in another job. I don’t know why I worried about it but I did. When I got there my boss mentioned nothing of such matter and I hope that the old lady either died later that day (slowly and in pain) or she had forgotten all about her smart idea.

So right now old people very much = SHIT in my world!


Posted 6 November 2002, 9.22 pm by Shaggy

Yes, it is a sight. FartsDotCom . The name states all that needs to be stated.

You can post your own farts on here. Who knows, maybe someone might recognize you........

The Future Is Now

Posted 5 November 2002, 12.44 am by Villager

We are obsessed with the future. Disregarding today, we look to tomorrow, next month and next year for inspiration, hope and intrigue. If we can convince ourselves (or indeed be convinced) that the future holds a marked improvement from the drudgery of present life then things don't seem so bad. Optimism, you might say. Believing that your luck will get better. Alas, it is indeed luck. We seem to place incredible stock in predictions of tomorrow and safeguarding against financial trouble. Horoscopes are a popular way of reassuring yourself that things are indeed going to get better; have you ever read a horoscope that says your in for some real shit and there's no sign of hope for years to come? Others fear the future, and occupy themselves with apprehension and material hoarding so that should awful times strike, they won't be among those caught unprepared; or at least they won't be surprised when it happens.

The future is now. This is your life. As we leave childhood, out of all the dreams and aspirations that once seemed magical and reassuring, we are left with only those within which our material fortune permit, and life it seems will be one long struggle to get closer to what you one day believed you were entitled to possess. Why do we supposedly intelligent beings deceive ourselves as to the promise around the corner? There is no future. I contest its very meaning. What we see as tomorrow is an assumption, not a fact; experience tells us it's unlikely, but if you wake up tomorrow your world could easily be unrecognisable for the rest of your human life. So why do we dedicate today to preparing for a tomorrow that may never come, and cannot be predicted with any meaningful accuracy even if it does?

Of course we must make practical preparations; it would be foolish to live each day as if it were your absolute last because experience tells us that it is prudent to make sure we do have enough to survive on tomorrow. But that neither explains nor excuses wasting our lives in a constant state of expectation, an expectation which goes largely unrewarded. Those with religious beliefs will have their own perspective on the importance of the present and the ultimate insignificance of tomorrow. For others, there is only a subtle difference. Those who live for their own sakes delude themselves when they expect tomorrow to come at all, let alone come bearing endowments of wealth, sensual satisfaction and 'happiness'. We exist in a world that provides ever more than we need today, so why are you not happy unless you have yet more tomorrow?

The silent Child

Posted 3 November 2002, 1.33 am by Sickan

She had the eyes.
Old eyes some would call them.
First time they looked at her.
They knew she was different.
All her life they told her,
That she was different.
Different in many ways.
Different because she never spoke.
She was able to speak.
They knew that.
Sometimes she said a few words,
A few well-put words.
They hit directly in the heart.
She was small and fragile.
Fragile as a fly spotted
By a child.
She had no friends and
She even seemed alone.
But she never complained
Or sought others company.
She liked her loneliness
Then the teens began.
No one teased her in school.
No one talked to her,
They knew they’d never get an answer.

Then one day she came home.
She had never cried before.
Why was she crying.
They tried to make her tell them.
She did.
After that she never spoke again.
The sectret she told was horrible.
Her father could not live with it
And he was found in the lake
It was winter.
She did not cry at the funeral.
Neither did her mother.

What was the secret.
We all had to know – we needed it
The stories began humming in the town.
What we could now know for certain
We made up.
Had the father abused her?
Had someone done sometime like that
To the silent child.
What was her name again?
Can you tell me that.
The silent child.
Had he done something terrible?

We never got to know.
We can only imagine.
They left one morning and
They never came back
Their house is still there and
Furniture and plates are there.
But no people.
They went to a new town
A new place a new life.
But the girl kept on being
The silent child.
She knew her father had
Done nothing wrong and
The whispering in the
Old town had driven her
In the shadow of death.
She knew her eyes let her
See things others couldn’t.
She knew that the father
Loved another woman
Not her mother.
That was the secret.
Nothing more.
The silent child
Had old eyes.

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This is a little photomanipulation thingy, I whipped up during my study for a Psychology Exam. Just felt like doing something else than reading, so I came up with this.

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Props to Green Mamba for bringing the weirdness


80s candy bars were pretty good

only because i traded it for a candy bar in the 80's.

lol we all know you don't have a soul ghoti

my soul for some carbs...

But of course!


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