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When the darkness comes

Posted 30 June 2002, 4.50 am by Sickan

First there was noise. All consuming and raucous noise, like a waterfall on speed.
Then there was the silence. A silence as heavy yet light as a winter morning where the snow is falling quietly.

Darkness fills the edge of my eyes, I blink but nothing helps. The darkness suddenly disappears – disappears into a place not known to any man.
Then the noise begins once more – fills up every fiber in my weak body and I notice that it feels like I can hear every conversation and thought in the building. Someone screams, someone cries, someone laughs.
The soft feeling of carpet under my fingertips wake me up from the endless stream of voices and thought – why am I on my knees? I look at my fingers, hand, wrist and wonder if they are mine, they don’t feel like they are mine. What feels like hours pass while I wonder if the fingers, hand, wrist are mine. Then the silence returns and I know they are. I realize that I am on the floor and try to get up. The movement of my head makes it all come back. Now the waterfall is replaced my a constant sound, a siren. The sound from an ambulance.

I blink again but as before it wont go away, wont leave me alone. I want to cry but the pain wont let me. I gather up all the courage and will left in me and get up – can barely get up on the bed. I try to move – just a little movement, perhaps to make sure that I am still alive, but the sole thought of moving makes the pain even worse, though is seems
impossible.

I try to move my eyes but the darkness just returns. I close the my eyelids and feel the shadow of pain take me in its control. I wont let it and I open them again – look straight ahead and see the glass of pills on the floor. Remember I took some. Lay down and feel the pain like it was a part of me. Darkness.

Open my lids and look at the stars above me through the window. Hours has passed. The migraine is gone. I am free once more.

Lunch With Mom

Posted 29 June 2002, 9.04 pm by Berly

Mom says: "Your brother is in trouble again."

I don't even have to distinguish who she means with a name, as I have two brothers and only one of them is ever in any kind of "trouble." Up until today, it has been drunk driving, alcoholism, jail for minor offenses, joblessness and difficulty finding a place to live - without being kicked out within 6 months.

You see, we are a stereotypical Irish family. My aunt, grandfather, father, and at least one brother have had our alcoholic genes take control of their lives. Two of the four are now dead. One of the four has managed to recognize and placate the demon. The last of the four, my brother, appears to be racing to his chemical induced grave. He will get there long before he should, and I have no doubt that he is not going to go peacefully.

Mom says: "There's more."

I ask if it's money. I've always suspected he would be needing money eventually, as he's worn out just about every person he's ever met - and never kept a job for more than a year. She says "Well, yes...to a degree. But your father helped him out with that....there's more...." My breathing halts.

This is going to sound terrible. You see, money has never meant a whole lot to me personally - or my family. We lend without expecting it back, and we never hold it over anyone's head. The down side to this is that we tend to purchase band aids for our problems, as well as those we love. Instead of looking at why the "money problem" is there in the first place - we just throw some money at it and move on. I know we don't believe we can purchase happiness, but I think we believe that we can make reality a little easier to deal with. Therefore, when mom says "There's more" and it can't be fixed by money, I am in new and scary territory.

Mom says: "He has been dealing drugs and he's gotten a woman pregnant."

Now I'm a little frightened. I've seen far too many movies and read too many books dramatizing drug dealing life. I'm scared that he's going to be killed, or that the rest of my family may somehow be drawn into his mess. I'm afraid I'm going to have a nice or nephew that I'll never get to meet or know about. Once the "girlfriend" found out much of what was going on, apparently she did the smart thing and removed herself from his life.

I'm torn between hating him and being afraid for him. We have never been particularly close. He is four years older than me, and he has always been "different." He was unhappy as a child, and more so as an adult. My parents, as pointed out above, were not always the best at examining the situation. They didn't intend to harm anyone, but I can't help but wonder if the avenues of his life of were alterable - had they been tended to. I wonder if there was anything that could have been done by any of us, to save him. I wonder if we will be able to save him - even now.

Roller Coaster

Posted 28 June 2002, 8.52 pm by Villager

Indefinite

Isn't life so terribly random? We wander through life bouncing off walls, sometimes with a nasty shock, sometimes with a warm glow of satisfaction. We wonder what to spend our existence doing and struggle through with its execution, dogged by personal problems and on a constant roller coaster as to fortunes, attitude and emotions. Do we maintain a sense of course, seeing through a smooth and largely effective plan? No, we chop, change and reverse directions in an incredible ad hoc approach to life.

That is human nature. Wonderfully adaptive, horribly forgetful. What we learn from the instant is often lost or disfigured in the greater consciousness, often to a better, wider understanding, often to painfully regretted actions and decisions. A relative lottery. That the average person seems to thrive in changing circumstances and an evolving emotional state suggest that it is that to which we are most suited. Uniformity and repetition breed stunted intellectual growth and a shameful waste of human capacity.

What then of those who largely decide major decisions as they hit them? Are those to whom each day is a new junction those who fulfil and explore their abilities and limits those who get the most from life? There must be a balance. Flexibility and an open mind must be accompanied by greater awareness and sensibilities to make achievement meaningful, but do we really take advantage of our intelligence and amazing capacity for depth and variety of experience and understanding?

Consider that next time you leave the house for your 9-to-5 knowing precisely how the next month will unfold.

juSt thE fuTurE noThinG moRe

Posted 26 June 2002, 3.29 am by Sickan

So now that my terrifying exams are over and I got a vacation ahead of me I sit down and think; What to do, oh what to do?

See, its not a normal summer this one, this time I don’t know what I will be doing the next 6 months, before I join the army. Some of you might think that it is nothing to worry about, and stuff like its only half a year.

But the scary thing for me is that I have never imagined that I would not know what to do for six months in my entire life, never! I mean, it has always been as obvious as breathing that I would go back to school after my almost 2 months summer rest.
But not this time! Not even under the exams I let it come to me that I had no idea, actually it was not until I rode my bike home this early morning to get something done for akpcep, that I got to think about it – I cant really say that I am worried about my whole future, because then I would be lying, but I will admit that I am a bit, if not worrid then nervous.
At first I wanted to be a chef, yes me, the one who forget to eat and when I remember to put the water over for my beloved pastas I never consider to do much more than prepare them, never anything fancy like sauce or something, heh nope. Well when I moved from home that idea vanished quickly!

Then I was certain that following my mothers footstep as a teacher would be heaven for me, but after teaching in forth grade a whole week I kinda just forgot all about that. Actually all I could focus on was the smelly, nose picking kids with their lunchboxes filled with egg and tuna! Nope teacher and Sickan, no fucking way. I would probably have put a new edge to the whole high school-shooting-thing…

Theeen I got the idea that I wanted to study ancient Egyptian history at the university, which I still want to and I want it really bad. But of course not, they closed down that faculty two years ago… thank you everyone, now I will just rot in hell!!! ARRGH!!

Erhm… so after the defeat I decided that getting off the school bench for some time would probably be a good idea, so I volunteered for the Danish army and got a letter where to go and who to go to on this and this date. I clapped my little hands and waited. And I discovered that this famous date was in the middle of my exams, I looked again and it was just one day before one of the exams, so I figured that I might be able to beat the clock and get both things done.
But after further consideration I had to look at the facts and call the army and cancel! I got a new date – in the middle of august, which means I can first get into the army in 2003. Yay I’m feeling lucky!! Grrr!

But that wont keep my down, nope now I’m getting ready to walk somewhat 265 km. the next 2 weeks to get my mind off things and just relax – damn I’m looking forward to that… so one little baby step at the time…
Come what may ;)
Peace

Almost too wee

Posted 25 June 2002, 10.34 pm by Alexander

Hey! You! Kid!

Not you, the ugly one. Yeah.. you know how you're always complaining about how websites are so bloody massive and how they stick out the edge of your monitor and knock plants over and molest your pets? Well, it seems someone cares about your juvenile prattling -

Click Here, animal food trough water

At last, no more prejudice against those 1" monitor users. We can all rest easy in our beds.

What an interesting fetish

Posted 24 June 2002, 3.12 pm by Craig


Today, I'm proud to present Mr. Blowup!! Just visit the site.

'Fat people' from the view of a chubby grinder

Posted 23 June 2002, 12.15 pm by The_Roach

The following is a reader submission from Violation. Some of you are probably wondering if I even write my own shit anymore. Shut up, and enjoy this.

I feel the need to argue, what seems to be, a common belief among many people. Fat people don't always bring their weight upon themselves. There are those in the world who are just destined to not be thin, believe it or not. I say this not because I'm overly fat but because I'm not thin and I'm completely healthy. My great great grandmother (yes, the one who loved the cat food) is ninety-two years old, she's over what her weight should be for her height and her doctor says she's 'as fit as a fiddle' and has the heart of a twenty year old. Even my own mother is over what her weight should be, but she's as fit as anyone else - probably more so. You see, large people run in my family. Both on my mothers side and on my fathers. We all have what is called a slow metabolism. My weight, or appearance, doesn't bother me. I eat right, and I exercise. But for some reason there are people everywhere who feel the need to make it an issue. - I'm not speaking against any grinders, just people in general - It's my opinion that feeling fat is most often a result of an outside force. I'll give you an example of my own.

Just the other day I went out for lunch with my sister - who is seven months pregnant - at McDonalds, it was crowded with kids on summer vacation. When my sister and I took a booth near the front - closest to the bathroom - my sister pointed out to me that a group of teenagers on our right couldn't stop looking at us. I turned and looked at them and most of them quickly looked down to their table but one girl stared back at me and without warning she puffed out her cheeks before exploding into laughter with her friends. Yes, it was very rude but I consoled myself with the thought that she was probably anorexic and had issues with weight herself. Things only seemed to get worse once we got our food. The teenagers proceeded to whisper loudly about how gross I was, and even how gross it was that I was eating in front of them. I've learned a thing or two about patience over the years so I just ignored them and continued to try to enjoy my meal and conversation with my sister. I soon learned that it wasn't going to be that easy to ignore them. I'm guessing that my lack of interest in them had began to annoy them so they decided on a much more direct way to convey their distaste in my physical appearance. They started tossing their food onto our table, calling out that I could eat theirs too. When the first fry hit the table I was out of my seat. None of the teenagers were smiling now and they all had mixed looks of fear and shock on their faces. Instead of stopping at their table I kept going and stopped at the phone. I came back after a couple minutes and sat down. I heard one of the teenagers say that I must've called one of my 'chubby buddies' for 'fat support'. I told my sister who I had called and she was pleased with my decision, she told me that she thought I was going to deck them. I had thought about it, many times, but I didn't feel like being arrested for hitting a minor. It was only about five minutes before the results of my phone call showed true. One out of the 5 police men in my town came in and I went over to talk to him. I told him about the harassment that had been going on and that I thought their parents should be let known. While I was still over speaking to the police man the teenagers had finally 'seen the error of their ways'. Everyone of them stood up and looked as if they were going to try to make a hasty retreat, but the police man pointed at them and said one booming word "Sit." It was completely satisfying to see each one of them go back to their seats, before that moment I had actually began to feel 'the weight' of their words. After explaining in detail what was said and done the police man went over to the table of teens and my sister and I left. I felt great and thinner than ever.

I can safely say that I never think that I'm fat or over weight. I don't bitch and moan that I'm not thin, or that I could look any different. Television infomercials on fat burners, diets, and other assorted things don't phase me. I've done it all before and most of them are completely unhealthy and just don't work. I can understand concern over those who eat in substitute of things they don't have, but that's just something they have to deal with when they're strong enough to face themselves. Just because I'm not thin, or what society views as fit, doesn't mean that I'm not healthy or that I'm a 'victim'. Our body shapes are as unique to us as our personalities. Whether it's natural or self done can never be known about another person unless you ask. For myself I'd say that it's a natural thing, as I don't over eat and I exercise; but then I would have to take into consideration the foods I eat, the medication side-affects, and other such things. The point is that some people aren't meant to be thin. I understand that when your younger you don't understand that. I never understood it when I was younger, not with my peers telling me it was unacceptable. But I haven't been a teenager for a very long time, and I've learned and grown much since then. One of the most valuable things I've learned is to enjoy life and I believe that means to also enjoy what you eat.

To close I'll leave this with a saying, 'You are what you eat.'
I'd rather be something good apposed to a gross tasting weight loss shake, or any other weight loss food.

Where is Waldo?

Posted 23 June 2002, 10.30 am by Craig


Can you find waldo?

Visit Site.

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I took this photograph in North Vancouver, by the water. These birds are everywhere, all the time. If you are standing in the middle of a crowd of these birds, you realize just how horrid they are. The photo I took actually makes the birds look respectable and that's why I like it.

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Props to Green Mamba for bringing the weirdness

Hmph

80s candy bars were pretty good

only because i traded it for a candy bar in the 80's.

lol we all know you don't have a soul ghoti

my soul for some carbs...

But of course!

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